Sexuality Prayer
4/17/1998

"Dear God, My heart is so heavy and I'm paralyzed by fear, I need Your help. You gave mankind a beautiful gift, the gift of sexuality, but some have hurt and abused this gift. Some innocent people, me included, have been wounded and broken because of being sexually abused as a child. My innocence was robbed and my sexuality tainted. That part of me, my sexuality, instead of being beautiful as You created it to be, is seen and felt in me as being horrible, dirty, and bad. I hate that part of me which in reality I'm hating me. I've hated my body for responding to Mike when it was only doing what it was created to do. I've tried to deny my sexuality, to cut off from that part of me, to try to be asexual which seemed to work for many years. Now through recovery I've gradually been reconnecting with my feelings, only now to be faced with my darkest feelings, the sexual feelings. I am overwhelmed with sadness and fear. Just the mere thought of dealing with this area of my life brings tears and terror. I'd rather die than walk through this dark, painful path. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's like a catch 22. I can't pick which feelings to repress and deny - if I do the others, the ones I want to keep, will go also. Here I've spent all this time and money to get to where I am today and I don't want to go back - choosing to not feel for me is a form of death - I didn't live, I just existed; yet, to go forward seems impossible - my fear paralyzes me. God, I need You to take my hand and lead me down the path of healing and when I can't take another step - I need for You to carry me or give me the strength to take one more step toward wholeness. I don't know how to separate all the bad that's connected to my sexuality - I don't know how to separate truth from the lies. Part of me wants to choose life, but part of me feels stuck in death. I give this to You, Lord. Please help me to regain the gift of my sexuality in the way You intended it to be, so I can embrace all of me."