I'm Not Filthy Anymore
written June 2010

I was looking forward to the True Identity Retreat April 23-25. When I had gone to the True Identity Seminar earlier this year, God brought major healing in my image of God the Father. So I was anticipating God using this retreat to bring more healing in my life. I had asked my prayer warrior, Evelyn, to pray for me during this time. When I returned she shared how Friday morning, April 23 rd , she was reading an email called “Small Straws in a Soft Wind” by Marsha Burns which said, “ I saw in a vision a thick, dirt dam with water beginning to seep through it. The middle section in particular was becoming soaked. Then, I saw a trickle of water that had made its way through the embankment. And, I heard the Lord say that this was a sign of the beginning of breakthrough. The water, representing the Spirit, is at work to break through areas of hindrance and bondage in our lives. Soon, the dam will burst, allowing the water of life to flow freely and in great abundance. We are to allow ourselves to be saturated with the Holy Spirit.” Evelyn prayed this over me for the retreat weekend and God brought forth the dam bursting. In hindsight I now can see how God strategically was putting cracks in the wall of my dam preparing for this breakthrough in my life.

One crack was made as I watched an Oprah program I had taped entitled, “Inside the Minds of Child Molesters.” Oprah looked into the camera and said, “It is not your fault.” Those words pierce my heart bringing tears to my eyes.

More cracks came at a workshop I attended at Life Center entitled, “Victim No More.” Dorathy was teaching about the characteristics, symptomatic behavior patterns of people who had been sexually abused. She was using the biblical example of Tamar. Her words pierced my heart bringing tears once again. At the end of the workshop we were receiving deliverance from the demon strongman of victimization and the man said, “It's not your fault.” More tears flowed, “a trickle of water that had made its way through the embankment.” This was March 27, 2010.

On April 15 th as I met for healing prayer with Pam and Debbie, God took me to an abuse memory where I blamed that little girl for the sexual abuse her stepfather, Mike, did to her. Debbie asked, “Lord what do You see when You see that little girl sitting next to Mike on the couch?” I heard god say, “innocent.” God also said, “She's beautiful.” I could not wrap my mind around that let alone believe it in my heart.

Now it is April 23 rd and before I leave for the retreat I have an appointment with my therapist, Angel Davis. I tell her about the word “innocent.” I also share how I cannot see God in my abuse memories. My thoughts on why I couldn't were because I didn't want God seeing me. I feel dirty and bad.

As I arrive at Strong Rock camp for the retreat, I receive a white rose and a note from Lori. In the note she quotes Psalm 18:24, “I'm excited to see God cast a fresh and new anointing on your life as you open the book of your heart to His eyes.”

When I see Debbie she tells me God told her earlier that morning to change my table. My new table is named “beautiful” a word God had been telling me that I have a hard time believing. My table leader, Linda Michelle, has a ministry for incest survivors and on Saturday she shares her testimony, which included her sexual abuse story.

Friday night Lori shares her testimony, which struck my heart, and I began to weep. She explained why she walked through some things in her life as a result of the sexual abuse she suffered as a child: sense of belonging; hope that someone might really want and love her; was taught sex was love; desperately seeking attention and kindness – evidence that she was worth something; seeking to be loved and not alone; craving to be treated as something precious – instead she was treated as worthless and discarded like a piece of trash; she accepted the responsibility and assumed she was unlovable. This all correlated with what happened with me in my therapy session with Angel earlier that morning. I grieved, sobbing deeply. My tears – “the water, representing the Spirit, is at work to break through areas of hindrance and bondage in my life.”

Another issue of mine is my parents wanted a boy and even my birth announcement in the newspaper said I was a boy. I did grow up being a tomboy. Earlier this year God told Debbie to make me a scarf and He even told her the color – pink, which I never wore. Saturday when I went to our table it had gifts and one of my gifts was a “pink” bracelet.

God had strategically chiseled all the cracks in my dam when Sunday, April 25 th arrived. I knew the video, “The Father's Love Letter,” was going to be shown. I had first seen it at the seminar. It still moved me and touched my heart especially watching the little children. I started picturing me as a little girl.

We had a reflection exercise where we were to write in the mirror a true reflection of who we are - as God sees us. As I am writing, the song by Aaron Keyes, “Not Guilty Anymore” is playing. All of a sudden my dam bursts when I hear the phrase, “you're not filthy anymore.” I sobbed uncontrollably as people prayed for me and Linda Michelle held me.

The seminar ended with a prophetic dance by Carla to the song, “Royalty” by Alberto & Kimberly Rivera, where God is saying you are a queen, you are royalty. The song tells how God's heart broke and His tears flowed out like a river because I stopped believing. The song goes on to say this is your coronation day and we are being crowned because you were made to be a queen. After Carla finished we each get to walk down the red carpet where Jennifer was waiting to place our crown upon our head. It was our coronation day. I left the True Identity retreat washed and made clean by God's healing tears – His tears which flowed out like a river – washing away pain from my childhood.

Driving to work Monday morning, I decided to listen to a prophetic word I had received at Life Center on Feb. 19 th . One phrase grabbed my heart, “I want you to begin to look in the mirror and see the beauty that I see. See the heart that I see.” God wanted to make it real clear to me He wanted me to write on my mirror, “I am NOT filthy.” He wants to get that truth deep within my heart. He wants me free. “If the Son sets you free, you are truly free.” John 8:36 (NLT)

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