June 28, 1996
Another year has rolled around and still I seem no closer to letting go of you. I don't know how to heal the wound of losing my dad. The pain doesn't seem to be any less intense. I'm trying to let myself feel some of the pain and cry, maybe that is the way through this. I don't know. I get really depressed because I sometimes feel I'm fighting a losing battle. It's been 32 years and yet inside it's just like it has recently happened. I know you would not want me to suffer so. How I wish I could just put my arms around you and tell you how much I miss you and how much I love you. How I wish I could feel your arms around me, holding me, comforting me, protecting me. I would like to find peace and rest, but they are no where to be found. Life is so complicated sometimes. Life is so hard and painful somethimes. I wish I had a sense of security. I think that's what I would feel if you were here holding me right now. You could make things better. It got so horrible when you left; so often I want to die and be with you. Susan mentioned making a father's list. What is a father? I've even forgotten what it was like when you were alive. I've even forgotten you. I wish I knew why. Why can't I remember you? Did we talk together about things? I know after you died, I was so alone. I had no one to talk to. I wonder what it would have been like growing up with a father. Going through the teenage years. Learning from you about men. How men are suppose to treat ladies. How men are suppose to be safe, loving, and kind. I'd like to put my hand in yours and just walk - just be. To sit somewhere under a shade tree, your arm around me, watching the sun set. To hear you say how much you love me and care about me. My heart is so broken. I was so crushed when you died. I never knew when you walked out the door to go to the hospital that I'd never see you again. How I wish I could go back to that moment in time and give you a great big hug - to hold you tight and tell you how much I love you, how much I'll miss you. The problem would have been that I wouldn't have wanted to let go. Physically I couldn't hang on, but emotionally that's what I've been doing - I haven't been able to truly say goodbye and let go of you.
Did a part of me die back then? Was a part of me burried when they closed the lid on your casket? Was I so emmeshed with you and that's one reason your death was so devestating to me? I know it gets complicated because of the stepfathers I had after you. I've been trying to find truth, so I can be set free, yet it seems so out of my reach - so unattainable. I want to find peace. I want to rest.