June 10, 1995
How I've longed to say those words. I want a daddy. I want my daddy and you're never coming back. I love you dad. I miss you. I miss you so much.
Each year as June 28 th approaches my heart aches and remembers you died. It's been 31 long, hard years and I can't seem to get over it. April fool's day is an appropriate day God choose for you to be born. From what I've been told you were a funny character that loved to play jokes on people. I've been told I have an infectious laugh that cheers up people. I'd like to think I got that from you. I can see some of that silliness as I watch our home movies with you riding my rocking horse and dancing around with us on your shoulder. Thanks for teaching me to have fun.
There's a picture of you lying on the bed with the glasses from my doctor's kit on your nose. It reminds me when you sat on the bed reading the medical encyclopedia trying to figure out what disease you had. You read the description and symptoms of leukemia and said, "I don't have that", but when in fact you did.
Father's day is another hard day for me. We had just celebrated father's day before you went into the hospital. I've missed a lot by not having a father. No one to explain and teach me about boys, dating, and dancing; A man around to help me fix my car and other things that broke; a strong arm to protect me and a shoulder for support. I needed a healthy role model of a man and of a father. I got two jerks for step-fathers. The saddest part about father's day is that I don't remember you. What was my father like? I want so badly to remember you and our relationship. I want to feel your love, but you are like a stranger to me. All I have is a ghost for a dad, a vapor that's gone before I really get a glimpse of you - nothing to hang on to. I hardly have any pictures of you because you were the one taking the pictures. I want to know you. What you like or dislike? What were your dreams and ambitions? Did you have dreams for me? What was your family like? What were you like as a kid? I wish I had kept a diary and wrote down things about you. I'd savor every moment together and not waste the precious time we had if I had only known.Thanks for teaching me to play softball. I have very fond memories of playing ball all the way up to an adult. It helped me a lot through the rest of my childhood. I understand you were a sports fan, especially for the Bears and the Cubs. I'm not really into football, but I do like baseball and I cheer for the Cubs.